Hating and Loving You

For a year I suffered. For a year I immersed myself in the corporate world, took in every insult and criticism, swallowed my pride, forgot I had an ego. I had a goal in mind. You. I gave up my personal life, my humanity, my sanity. I ceased to exist save as a robot. It wasn't easy. I doubted everything I ever believed in. I doubted you. I doubted my concept of self.

You broke me and I let you. Fighting it was futile. I knew I would give up everything for you against every principle I have ever held in my life. You said you will try everything to hear me say, "you are worth it". You have heard every insult, every hurtful word, every demeaning statement - from me, the love of your life, the realisation of your dreams, your wife. I made your life hell, never letting you forget what I go through everyday.

I hurt you in the worst ways possible. All because I could not survive living without you. I tried to destroy what we had, what you meant to me, thinking that by destroying you, us, I had a chance at surviving day by day without you by my side. Anger was my fuel to work longer, better. Anger made me leave bed each morning. Anger kept me going. Anger kept me alive and ignited my will to fight.

I hated you as much as I loved you. I crossed that line. There is no difference. I did both with the same passion. Words thrown carelessly to hide what we truly mean. Only one thing was proved - i love you, all of you, whatever form or shape, beyond reason, forever.

I know you will fix me. I will let you as willingly as when you destroyed me. Shattered or whole, my love remains the same. Hate and love, opposite ends of the pole - in essence, the same.

Break me, fix me - I am yours.