Finding a Voice
For almost a year now I have kept my thoughts and experiences to myself. The need for expression was curbed consciously and willingly. I had simply wanted to keep the turmoil bottled up inside, afraid that if I shared my angst, my friends would point a finger to John. I didn't want anyone to see that the rainbow is blurring more everyday.
I find myself more lost than ever. There is a certain degree of truth to the statement, the more you love the more you are open to getting hurt. I have opened myself completely and absolutely, making myself more vulnerable than ever...a bigger target with a broader surface area to hit. Reality has hit me pretty hard.
Exhausted as hell, physically, emotionally and psychologically, thanks to years of being the strong one, the one people turned to for support, the one who readily assumes responsibility. Things have now gone to a halt. I have had enough.
What I perceived as the ultimate sacrifice was met with disdain and branded as a selfish act. I am paying the price - my humanity on a plate.
I have crossed the line eons ago but no one really noticed or believed that it would happen. The change is almost imperceptible. Only few can notice that there has been a subtle shift. My core has been penetrated and damaged, the most crucial part beaten to a pulp. I have no time nor patience to deal with human drama. I no longer have the capacity to understand and condone pathetic human behavior.
Work is my only refuge, and around it my whole life revolves. It is where outcomes are predictable and can be easily calculated, where problems have several solutions, where actions beget results, where emotions are out of order.
Pleas for support have fallen on deaf ears even when the stakes were life or death. My death sentence, stuck behind a door slammed shut on my face. Reality now is picking up the pieces scattered about. The new whole is missing some old parts, the parts that had some luster in them. The hybrid now resembles a previous 2000 model, unpolished and sinister.
I have found a voice and it isn't pleasant.
I find myself more lost than ever. There is a certain degree of truth to the statement, the more you love the more you are open to getting hurt. I have opened myself completely and absolutely, making myself more vulnerable than ever...a bigger target with a broader surface area to hit. Reality has hit me pretty hard.
Exhausted as hell, physically, emotionally and psychologically, thanks to years of being the strong one, the one people turned to for support, the one who readily assumes responsibility. Things have now gone to a halt. I have had enough.
What I perceived as the ultimate sacrifice was met with disdain and branded as a selfish act. I am paying the price - my humanity on a plate.
I have crossed the line eons ago but no one really noticed or believed that it would happen. The change is almost imperceptible. Only few can notice that there has been a subtle shift. My core has been penetrated and damaged, the most crucial part beaten to a pulp. I have no time nor patience to deal with human drama. I no longer have the capacity to understand and condone pathetic human behavior.
Work is my only refuge, and around it my whole life revolves. It is where outcomes are predictable and can be easily calculated, where problems have several solutions, where actions beget results, where emotions are out of order.
Pleas for support have fallen on deaf ears even when the stakes were life or death. My death sentence, stuck behind a door slammed shut on my face. Reality now is picking up the pieces scattered about. The new whole is missing some old parts, the parts that had some luster in them. The hybrid now resembles a previous 2000 model, unpolished and sinister.
I have found a voice and it isn't pleasant.
whispered by E-vil at 12:13 PM
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