animal planet

I need an answer. For several days now, I have had a question mark stuck in my head and I'm desperate to at least find a lead towards the answer as I've been told that the end itself may be impossible to reach.

I desperately want to understand how people work. Why people do what they do and lie and cheat and hurt those around them. I need to know why the one who opens up less gets hurt the least and the one who tirelessly embraces others has the most trampled on heart. Is this a part of our biological make up being the animals that we inherently are? Does human nature per se dictate that we need to outwit, outlast, and outplay each other at all times? Is the most successful in life the shrewdest?

My Dad tells me that I'm way too idealistic to last in this world. With a tendency to always expect the good in others and to see the glass half-full, disappointments have been hitting me left and right. Welcome to the real world where your friends are your worst enemies and your colleagues are your worst nightmare. Like I said in my previous posts, I have never been good in politics...never had I allowed myself to spare the time to participate in or even acknowledge power plays. For the longest time, my method of consciously focusing on my work and discarding idle gossip or small talk has worked for me well enough. The past few days have, however, questioned the effectiveness of that method. It has simply come to a point when I can not just shrug my shoulders and tune out.

I was promoted to Operations Coordinator, not Manager as mentioned before my trip, but it ends there. Bigger responsibilities, more work, a tad more respect, but no pay raise. As I have only been part of the company for 3 months, it may have been arrogant (even greedy) on my part to expect the whole cake handed to me so soon. It would have been fine and perfectly acceptable had my boss not said, you haven't been doing much during the first 3 months anyways.

3 months spent doing manual labor in the Warehouse pretty much amounts to nothing. 3 months of sorting his wife's shit was nothing. 7 events in 3 months as unofficial slave was nothing. I probably should have broadcasted to the whole office every single thing that I was doing at that time. I should've whined and complained all the time how tired I was and how much work I had to do. I should've come to work with rumpled clothes and unwashed hair so it would appear that I had no time to even take care of myself. I probably should've done what those folks in the office have artfully mastered, to appear busy and overworked even when they're chatting away on MSN or playing snooker or mario bros. I shouldn't have worked quietly and quickly and gotten things done splendidly with the easy smile and demeanor never faltering even under the most strenuous circumstances.

I should also have been in tune to office gossip particularly those where I'm one of the lead characters. That way I would've known who I was dealing with and what they were thinking underneath the friendly grins. Also, the knowledge would've given me a clue on which lot I could trust and not, although trust may be inappropriate as there is no such thing in the office.

Shoulda woulda coulda. Useless and antagonizing at the very least.

Oh let's not forget what could be the most painful let down of them all - Adam. I certainly set myself up for that one. I was wide open for that bull's eye that stings until now. I can still hear the fuck no said with so much conviction and disgust that even the idea of friendship is galaxies beyond reach. How stupid was I to even think that he could look at me and see a human being instead of the third world illiterate gnat that I am.

What is wrong with this picture? Why does it scare me now to meet new people and doubt the old ones? Why do I have to consider what color, race, age and shape of the person I'm talking to before I even utter one word to ensure that I'm exactly where I should be no more no less? When did fun and excitement end and reality begin? Why does the real world have to be so dreary?

So much for answers...for now I just have to be contented with countless questions and try to understand as much as I can when I can. There is a short cut -- dont ask, dont think...but where's the fun in that?